Ulysses – Jeanne d’Arc To Renkin No Kishi

March 10, 2019

I think Jeanne d’Arc AKA Joan of Arc has got to be one of the most famous female character in western history because from time to time the Japanese would borrow her name and weave her into their whatever story. From Fate/Stay Apocrypha to Nobunaga The Fool and even the obscure Drifters where she is the villain, it’s time again for another Jeanne d’Arc adaptation. This time it is Ulysses – Jeanne d’Arc To Renkin No Kishi. Though it follows closely the historical events, it adds a few other extra things just to spice things up. This time we have got harem, magic, alchemy, fairies and even God Almighty himself coming into the mix. Oh yeah, this is one version of Jeanne d’Arc I would like to see how it all turns out in the end.

Episode 1
It is 1415. England and France are at war. Montmorency prefers to borrow books instead of attending class. As he explains to Arthur de Richemont, his goal is to master the secret art of alchemy to prevent anyone dying from the war. He believes the old guy in the bookstore is the famous alchemist, Nicolas Flamel. But the old fart insists he isn’t. Thus Montmorency has to read all the books to decipher everything, though he still hopes on Nicolas will teach him one day. That night, they sneak out but Charlotte de Valois and Philippite “Philip” Valois Bourgogne also join them. Montmorency claims he has seen fairies at Nicholas’ place and believes they must be connected to alchemy somehow. But in the forest they are being ambushed by English soldiers. Only Richemont can fight. To buy time, the rest pretend Montmorency is an alchemist under Nicolas and threaten to turn them into stone with his Philosopher’s Stone. I don’t think the English understand French… Luckily Richemont despatches her enemies in time. The young ones lament in the crazy time they live in. War is upon them and yet ironically the girls come from different houses (Richemont = House of Brittany, Charlotte = French royalty, Philip = House of Burgundy) but study in the same school. They make a vow to stay as friends even after graduating. Next day, Richemont’s brother, Jean d’Alencon challenges Montmorency to a duel for putting his love Philip in danger. Richemont just kick him in the balls!

Richemont then talks to Montmorency that France and England will fight a decisive battle in which she has been put in the frontlines to save face for the family. Montmorency becomes desperate to save her and seeks Nicolas for help on alchemy but he warns not only the church will banish you but you will forever be alone as an immortal. He is then chased out. The fight rages on and when Montmorency heads to the battlefield in the aftermath, he assumes the worst as he sees Richemont’s broken sword. She has been captured by the English. Meanwhile Philip’s family decide to join forces with the English. Montmorency is even more desperate as he will use alchemy on himself to become immortal. If there is no God, he’ll sell his soul to the devil. After conducting the ritual, Astaroth, the queen of the fairies and guardian of the Philosopher’s Stone pop up. He agrees to be her slave in exchange for power. She mentions great people like King Solomon and Jesus Christ used the stone and achieved great works. They earned the title of Ulysses. Montmorency has it possibly his ancestors was a member of Knights Templar. She warns swallowing the stone as it is will kill him because of the poison. He must find a way to turn it into an elixir and only then his body will be able to withstand the poison. For 7 years Montmorency tried and failed. Yeah, time passes by in a flash when you’re in obsession.

Episode 2
The battle ended with the English winning. Hence they advanced and captured Paris, causing the royalty to flee. With the Burgundy side aligning with the English, the region soon fell into chaos. In a small village in France, Jeanne d’Arc is praying for the war to end with her fairies. Montmorency as the travelling alchemist is here to get some ingredients to help with his alchemy. But with Jeanne interrupting, the slightest wrong mixture causes it to explode. Montmorency is lucky not to have died from it. He and Astaroth argue about the supposed completion of the elixir within 3 years but look how long it has turned out. La Hire and her mercenaries arrive in the village. They are sent by Charlotte to warn and protect them from the invading Burgundy army. However they blackmail them into giving all their food for this protection. Suddenly Montmorency starts drooling?! I don’t think it’s because of La Hire’s boobs but Astaroth points out after so many experiments, he may have absorbed some amount of the elixir and become a vessel himself. However he can’t just eat the stone wholly right now. He will only stay as Ulysses for 3 minutes before meeting a horrible death. Arguing on this too long and the Burgundy side has arrived.

As the village is burnt down, the fairies try to protect Jeanne’s home, only to be killed off! Damn Burgundy f*ckers don’t like cute fairies! Jeanne tries to save them but is also killed. Lamenting if she only had the power to stop wars, Montmorency has an idea. He asks if she truly wishes to live and risk banished from this village forever. He plans to put the stone in her wounds to regenerate her flesh. She won’t be alone, though. He will always be with her. Montmorency breaks the stone in half and puts it into her wound. Then the kissing to transfer his elixir drool. Hot and sweet. Until the immense pain takes over. Once she overcomes that, she turns into an evil super human! Too fast! Too strong! The Burgundy bastards don’t stand a chance! Did she enable some cheat code?! The remaining soldiers run away and she would have gone after them had Montmorency not stopped her. Astaroth explains the stone not only amplifies her powers but her emotions. Jeanne then challenges La Hire a duel to the death (on grounds that she has bigger boobs?). She dares her to shoot her brain to effectively kill her. But this only makes it easier for Jeanne to predict her moves. But Jeanne is a millisecond too late to kill La Hire as the Ulysses effect wears off. Phew. Astaroth further adds that for the power of acceleration for 3 minutes, her arrogance intensified. In the aftermath, Jeanne says goodbye to the villagers as she prepares to leave with Montmorency. La Hire believes she will now be hunted down by the inquisition as a heretic but Montmorency thinks otherwise. She will become a saint.

Episode 3
The French royalty relocated to Chinon and with the French king suddenly dead and other male heirs died in battle, Charlotte ascended the throne. Montmorency spreads the word that Jeanne is a saint sent by God to save France. I guess in desperate times, people will tend to cling on to any hope. Even more so when they think Astaroth is the archangel Michael. Astaroth is of course not amused by being used by all this. She claims Montmorency cannot become a Ulysses and instead turned into an elixir factory. Jeanne’s side effect means she wants to taste his elixir very often. Your excuse to have an indecent French kissing scene. Oh good, the Burgundy army is here. Time for Jeanne to kickass. This is just a ploy by Girard to gauge Jeanne’s time limit as Ulysses. Montmorency sends a letter to Charlotte, requesting her to knight her as a saint. But that letter is intercepted by La Tremoille, the chamberlain of the palace and Montmorency’s cousin. When Jeanne and Montmorency are let into the palace, the latter gets kidnapped and thrown into prison. Guess what? Same prison with Richemont! It seems Charlotte escaped from the English army back here but is arrested for investigating corruption within the ranks. Flashback shows she lost to Henry V in battle. Instead of killing her, he made her his knight. Her plan was to be a mediator but Henry V died shortly after an illness and her plan fell into ruin. Then his heir, Bedford got horny and wanted to rape her (thank goodness he waited for her to mature) and that’s when she ran away. But Richemont is disappointed. She always thought Montmorency would come save her but he did not. He admits he is useless for being unable to save her. But he was running the entire time from the inquisition so that he could keep their promise alive. Elsewhere, Astaroth tries to investigate. She stumbles into La Tremoille’s room, only to see weird creepy dolls. Too bad she gets captured by him.

Meanwhile Jeanne is brought before the queen. Charlotte notes that many has requested an audience with her, claiming they have the power to save France but only embarrassed herself before her double. She laments no one will save France or her. However Jeanne can tell the one at the throne is a double and the real Charlotte in the crowd. How can she tell? The boobs. You mean Montmorency knows his girls’ boobs even when they’re far apart? Was photo invented then?! Talking to Jeanne privately in her room, Charlotte finds out about the letter she never received. She thinks Montmorency was too scared to face her and fled. But Jeanne believes he is not the kind of guy who will break promises. Charlotte still can’t forgive him as she was alone and scared. Even her own mother abandoned her. The talk is interrupted when a bulky knight assassin tries to kill Jeanne. Can she activate Ulysses mode any time? Jeanne easily fights the guy and defeats him despite wearing such heavy armour. After collapsing, Girard reveals himself. His intention is to wear her out and then steal her Philosopher’s Stone as ordered by his employer.

Episode 4
When a peace talk was attempted with Burgundy, Duke John I was betrayed and murdered. With both nations’ ties severely irreconcilable, Philip succeeds her father and is on her way to Chinon for a top secret mission. La Hire and her mercenaries get paid. However she knows this is hush money to not be involved further as Montmorency is captured. La Tremoille sees Montmorency and Richemont. He reveals his plan to end this war via politics. France will surrender its lost territory to England and in exchange secure rights to the land south of Loire River. As Philip will be visiting soon, there is no way for French royalty to survive other than making peace with England. La Tremoille accuses Montmorency for trying to overthrow Charlotte with this saint ruse and end the royal family. Montmorency believes Charlotte won’t give in but Richemont gives him some reality check. After seeing so much bloodshed, Charlotte has become withdrawn and left all the decision making to La Tremoille. Speaking of her, she is in trauma mode as she watches Girard torment Jeanne for answers of the Philosopher’s Stone and elixir. Despite telling the truth, he doesn’t believe and continues to beat her up. Brilliant idea for La Tremoille to let his prisoners out of their cells so he could kill them. Because cue for La Hire and her mercenaries to barge in and cause some havoc. Here’s the money back. Astaroth who was stuck in a bottle was saved by her. Because Charlotte screamed loud enough, Montmorency and co arrive in time. Montmorency is willing to give the stone in exchange for Jeanne’s life. But Girard won’t be fooled as he has heard from Jeanne how it works. So Montmorency covers the stone with his elixir and tosses it to him to devour. However Girard didn’t know the reason why kissing is necessary. Because the elixir evaporates upon contacting with air. Girard’s body soon explodes! Charlotte is grateful to Jeanne because she risked her own life to save her even if they just met.

Good timing for Philip to be here. Greatest reunion timing? Philip talks to Montmorency as the latter believes the war will not end if France surrenders to England. This is because the royalty has so many branches and relatives, everyone will start fighting to claim the throne. All France need is to unite and for Burgundy to become their allies. However Philip is fighting her own inner demons. The ghost of her father, that is. He continues to haunt her to carry on his ambition to make Burgundy the most powerful empire in Europe. We take a detour with Jeanne bugging Montmorency for his elixir. In front of the other girls. Since when did Jeanne has got monopoly over his kiss? WTF is this logic Charlotte has bigger boobs so she can’t kiss him? Philip has decided. She tells Girard is from Burgundy and was acting on his own for her father’s wishes, which is to use the Philosopher’s Stone and make Burgundy the most powerful empire. That’s why she can’t cooperate with them. Montmorency can’t accept this. He tells her about their promise. Not the ambitions of her father. The only thing she did in return is to kiss him! But this is just a sneaky move to steal his elixir. Is that suffice? With Charlotte rejuvenated and rallying her people to fight back, however they lack the military strength. Don’t worry. All you need is Jeanne. With Charlotte’s blessing, the people now believe God has not abandoned France. Let’s drive the English out! Uhm, why does Jeanne’s outfit make her look like a slut? However La Tremoille has ratted out to the church. Even if Charlotte has accepted Jeanne, God (AKA the church) will not allow a heretic to be a knight.

Episode 5
With the death of France’s king, England saw this chance to crown Bedford in the Notre Dame cathedral at Reims to legitimize their rule of France. Hence it is race to crown Charlotte there but they must liberate Orleans to secure a safe passage there. However the tide is in England’s favour and France lost many men. Richemont goes to see Alencon (in the midst of making out with his lovers) to request for troops but he is only delaying and in the end she didn’t get what she wanted. Later Richemont is kidnapped and almost raped had not one of Alencon’s lovers led the soldiers to liberate her. They talk about Alencon being a weak and indecisive ruler. However she tells when Lord Bedford demanded Richemont to be handed over, Alencon opposed this not because it meant they sided with England but rather Richemont is his sister and will not allow it. Even if Alencon isn’t a good ruler, at times he can still be brave on her behalf. Jeanne is handed the sword of the French royalty, Joyeuse in hopes she could rally knights to fight for her. La Tremoille seeks an audience with Charlotte as he hands her a message that the church calls for Jeanne to take a virginity test. Yeah, possible rape by perverted old men. Others of course won’t want Jeanne to go but since Jeanne blames herself for not being able to raise an army, is thinking of going.

Charlotte and Richemont’s relationship is strained as they start blaming each other. The former accusing Alencon for not providing the troops and hence prolonging the war. Then there is also the touchy issue of the Brittany house being annexed. With that, Richemont quits and she hits rock bottom after seeing Montmorency hug Jeanne (to calm and assure her). She feels sad that it wasn’t that she was afraid of losing her purity to Bedford but rather couldn’t offer her purity to Montmorency. More woes as La Hire won’t send her men to fight and die a pointless battle. That night, La Tremoille leads some of the villagers to demand Jeanne take the virginity test. After all, bad rumours have spread that she might have received the power from the devil and Montmorency is a black magician. Montmorency tries to use diplomacy but gets beaten up instead. Jeanne shows up in Ulysses mode to beat them up and even tell them off that she’ll take the virginity test. After she collapses, Montmorency lets everyone know how Jeanne won’t even kill in this mode because of witnessing her sister died in war. She knows a life lost is forever and decided to use this power to protect instead. With the other villagers cooling their heads and accepting Jeanne isn’t as bad as she seems, only La Tremoille rues his ruined chance as he can’t get back his grand chamberlain title and continue with his fairy collection. Thanks to Joyeuse, more knights decide to fight alongside Jeanne. They prepare to march towards Orleans. Astaroth notes this is the first step to end the war and turn the world into a utopia. She calls Montmorency by his full name, Gilles de Montmorency Lavel or Gilles de Rais for short.

Episode 6
In the decisive battle at Orleans, Montmorency must also lead the soldiers to cross the bridge over Loire River as this is where the Tourelles complex sits and a frontal assault will be difficult. Montmorency is reunited with Batard, Charlotte’s younger brother who is forced to dress as a girl since young since she desired a little sister. That’s why he hates girls and is more into men. Like Montmorency. Also participating in this battle is Alencon who views this as a perfect chance to change his reputation as a useless brother. However he is struck down by a mysterious woman who calls herself as Ulysses Noire. Thankfully Jeanne enters the fray to fight her before retreating. With France obtaining victory and the English retreating to Tourelles, the people’s morale is boosted. We take a detour to see Jeanne in her usual raping of Montmorency. Not sure why Astaroth needs to point out the danger of them procreating (because it’s just natural) and hence unlocks some power in his Philosopher’s Stone. An image of the hottest babe ever appears and if he is able to draw this power out to its limit, this hot chick will be his and he shall never desire another human woman again. Montmorency rejects because he believes true love cannot be born without spending time together. With the high morale spirits of the French, this poses another problem as they are willing to go die in the frontlines for Jeanne. Alencon blames Montmorency for this and wants to assume command of this mission. While it might sound logical to use the mob as diversion while their limited forces conquer Tourelles, Jeanne is against this and will not sacrifice the people. She will go alone if needed to. Too bad the French people are already fighting the English army on the bridge. As the battle rages on, the English commanding officer, William Glasdale pops up. This is part of Montmorency’s plan to lure him out so Jeanne could go into Ulysses mode and strike him. However she is struck down by Noire. Uh huh. This is Glasdale’s trap to lure Jeanne so this could happen. Worse, Noire pins Jeanne down and is willing to die together with her (it is hinted Noire is Phillip). Glasdale uses his holy lance that supposedly killed Jesus to rip out their hearts! Because their organs won’t heal when coming into contact with the lance, hence Glasdale is the ideal Ulysses Hunter to exterminate all sorts of monsters. The French are left with a devastated blow seeing their saint dead. Glasdale orders the retrieval of Jeanne’s Philosopher Stone and corpse and anyone who does so will be generously rewarded by Bedford. Alencon grabs Jeanne but Montmorency is still reeling from the shock.

Episode 7
Montmorency is having bad nightmares that Jeanne is dead. He wakes up in Augustine’s Fortress where the French have temporarily seized it from the English during the confusion. But Jeanne is not dead. She is in a comatose state. She still has her head intact although she has lost her heart. The Philosopher Stone is barely keeping her alive. But even if she is revived, they cannot stand the force of the English might and need reinforcement. It is believed they need the mystical sword, Escalibor that lies hidden in the forest of Brittany but Alencon wants Montmorency to request troops from his grandfather instead even though their relationship is strained. Alencon will find Escalibor instead. Montmorency reluctantly returns home and meets up with his cousin, Catherine who is so glad to see him again. Grandpa has no qualms lending him as many men he wants. But on one condition: Marry Catherine. Montmorency refuses and gets beaten up. Gee, old man beats him up like that, Montmorency must be real weak. But Catherine must truly love Montmorency. Love him so much that she really wants his baby! Is this desperation. She narrates that his grandpa known as Jean the Redbeard plotted to marry his grandsons off to girls of wealthy families for their wealth. Wow. How many grandsons he has? But in reality he kidnaps them and brought to his tower where many die from sorrow and frailty. She is one of those girls but luckily for her, Montmorency somewhat ‘saved’ her and they made a vow to become siblings. Gee, that’s a step closer than a cousin, don’t you think? Meanwhile Charlotte pays La Hire in advance her Joyeuse to fight the English at Orleans. Jean is visited by Flamel. He remembers about his warning to kill Montmorency because of his prediction he will bring ruin to the world. Of course Jean didn’t because he is his grandson (is it for the future money?). Montmorency goes to see Catherine. He says he can’t marry her because of the promise he made to Jeanne and the responsibility he needs to take after turning her into a monster. Luckily he didn’t make any promises with Catherine, right? Catherine knows Montmorency loves Jeanne. Even if the world is against him and he still fights to protect her, that is love. I guess Catherine lost out on this game of love as she too is in the similar lonely position as Jeanne. She will lie to grandpa she lost her virginity to him so he can take the troops. After he leaves, Catherine cries as loud as she can. No one can hear her from this tower, right? And what the heck did Flamel lecture about one not being able to change one’s fate except after experiencing love? Is this the cliché power of love he is talking about?

Episode 8
I’m sure Astaroth clears us up about the spelling confusion of Excalibur, right? We’re in France and not in England. Also, they aren’t searching for the sword in particular but its scabbard. Because it will be too dangerous to put the sword and scabbard together. Hence Astaroth hints that she is actually the legendary Lady of the Lake! I want to doubt that because it seems she can’t remember where she hid it in the forest. Can we blame it has been 1000 years? Yeah, she even forgot the trap (I guess it isn’t Stonehenge) she set out to stop pursuers. Until she shows the Philosopher’s Stone did the stones stop moving and those little fairies she appointed to protect it pop up. They don’t remember her so she chastises them to keep a memo or something. Yeah, like she is the one to say. But as the fairies take them to the place, it has already been stolen by Thomas Malory, the princess knight of Wales and the one who is leading the search for Escalibor. She intends to hole herself up on this tree until her search team of 100 men come to rescue her. Batard tries to distract her but Thomas saw this coming and kills Astaroth! Not! Astaroth cannot die as long as she is the protector of the Philosopher’s Stone. Thomas is so shocked that she falls out of the tree! Alencon wants Batard to return with the scabbard while he uses Thomas as hostage to buy time. If he sounds like he is sacrificing himself, he is. Short flashbacks show his goal is to surpass Richemont and this is the perfect moment for it even if it means his death. Astaroth reunites with Montmorency and updates what happens. However his side now has to face off with La Tremoille who won’t allow him to be France’s saviour. Montmorency doesn’t have time for this but is dancing into his palms getting angry as La Tremoille mocks Jeanne. Suddenly Alencon returns! With Richemont and her strong private army! Flashback shows she was passing by and saved him. Thomas immediately had her troops retreated. Alencon thought he would be a laughing stock again but Richemont was proud of him for doing well. Thus Richemont’s side will fight on La Tremoille’s army so that Montmorency could go to Jeanne. Jeanne is given the scabbard and some of the elixir to revive. Kiss of life? Her wounds heal and Jeanne is back. So happy that they hug and she wants to stay like this for a while. Sorry to break you up, but there’s a war going on the outside and the French are losing ground, you know? Care to turn the tide sooner the better?

Episode 9
Jeanne’s voice revitalizes the French to fight back. However the rest won’t let Jeanne back to the battlefield. Because if she dies the same way again, she cannot be revived anymore. You mean the Philosopher’s Stone is only good for 1 use? We see Philip putting on the helmet which is the Holy Grail. She was expected to die when done so but Montmorency’s elixir turned her into a Ulysses and negated that effect. And that damn father’s voice telling her to fulfil her mission before she dies. So with Noire chopping down the French, Jeanne can’t sit back and watch her people die so she stubbornly enters the fray to fight Noire. Because of Noire’s helmet, she can regenerate easily. The rest of the French still motivated, fight on the pave a way to lead Montmorency to Jeanne. English dudes are getting pretty scared how fearsome these ordinary French people can be. Jeanne is supposed to win with her acceleration that Noire and Glasdale can’t keep up. So Noire plays this psychological trick by telling how Montmorency f*cked Catherine just to get the army. How the f*ck did she know?! Was she there to witness all that even if it was just lies? This works like a charm as Jeanne is now mad at Montmorency, thinking he thinks of her as a tool for battle. With her provoked, Noire kicks her into the air where she can’t move so Glasdale and other English soldiers fire their arrow. Can’t tell the real holy lance among them. Can she evade all of them? Just when she is about to succumb to her fate, Montmorency swallows his Philosopher’s Stone and suddenly becomes a Ulysses! As Jeanne’s half is offence, his is defence. With that, he is able to harden air and block all the arrows. Noire pins down Jeanne and wants Glasdale to shoot through them like the last time. Hesitantly he shoots. Although Montmorency tries to block it, his Ulysses effect runs out. The arrow hits Noire’s helmet but not enough force to pierce through. Jeanne manages to crack the helmet as Noire blames her for being loved by Montmorency. The bridge crumbles. I wonder how fast was Glasdale to dive in to save Noire. Luckily for Jeanne, Montmorency got her hand. The end of this battle signals the French’s victory. Montmorency believes Astaroth’s prophecy was off because he didn’t explode and should have ate it earlier. I hope he didn’t jinx it because now he feels something but wait, the entire sky turns ominous! Is this the end of the world? Flamel says love triggered the end of the world?! Astaroth is in shock that several dimensions are opening up. Are these monsters from those dimensions? Is this the effect of the Philosopher’s Stone going berserk?

Episode 10
The Hole of Babylon is opening and the monsters are killing everybody. Montmorency uses his air defence but he can only last for so long. He gets devoured and finds himself in an alternate dimension. He witnesses Astaroth and a human sealing a god in a Void Dimension. Yeah, god is ranting how without him, humans will lose their eternal utopia. STFU and get sealed forever. After that, the human dies (like Thanos’ snap?) and entrusts Astaroth to bring utopia to humans. Now Montmorency is possessed by the freed god (looking more like a demon) as he rains havoc on Earth. So god is an alien? Because he summons his spaceship to fire a laser to destroy the surrounding area! He is going to bring back utopia but must cleanse it of humans. Oh, how can you pray to God when God is now your enemy? Looks like this god has got a grudge with Astaroth. Nice timing for Flamel to show up and regret letting Montmorency live. He thought love will free him and mankind wouldn’t be a slave to fate but looks like he was wrong. Flamel is the last remaining survivor of Temple Knights, an organization by humans to create utopia for humans. They fought to destroy the Philosopher’s Stone but a traitor brought it back and it ended up in Montmorency’s hands. Thinking about it, everything could have been a curse. God demands Astaroth and Flamel won’t hand her over. So he uses his alchemy to fight him? Not going to work! Old geezer gets blown off. God is going to get his revenge over Astaroth’s betrayal. Even though she cannot die as she is the Philosopher’s Stone’s protector, he can kill her forever. Each time Astaroth dies, she resurrects and the killing resumes. Having fun killing her in many ways? Why does it look like a bad rape scene? La Hire isn’t going to sit around and do nothing. She stabs Joyeuse into her own heart and turns into some sort of Ulysses? Her magic bullets are able to fend off the tentacle monsters and will hit anything with accuracy. Her limit is up as she manages to shoot the Philosopher’s Stone out of Montmorency. Too bad the tentacle monsters can take it back. But for that slight moment, Montmorency returned to his senses and wants La Hire to kill him. Blow his brains out. When God resumes control, the Philosopher’s Stones resonate. This causes Jeanne to revive as she beats the sh*t out of God. Actually she is beating the crap out of Montmorency for trying to die. He promised he will not let her be alone and yet he is going to let himself be killed? Jeanne does multiple Super Saiyan punches in hopes of returning Montmorency. Not going to be easy. God won’t permit it. Meanwhile Montmorency is dreaming whereby Jeanne gets burnt by the stake as a witch.

Episode 11
Apparently this God has a name. Enlil. You mean it’s not Zephiroth? Okay. With Jeanne unable to detect Montmorency anymore, she gets mad. Meanwhile Philip continues to hear her father’s voice telling to go forth with her destiny to make Burgundy’s name legendary. F*ck you! With humanity ending, there won’t even be Burgundy left except in history. Philip is back to herself without the helmet. Wow. Did her bust shrink a lot. Philip believes Enlil is now a Ulysses since he absorbed the Philosopher’s Stone to maintain his form via a host, that’s why he didn’t kill Montmorency. This means Glasdale’s lance can pierce through him and Philip is willing to ruin her good name and sacrifice Jeanne for that cause. Philip puts back the helmet and reverts to Noire. Oh man! She just bust up and got her ass thicc!!! Jeanne and La Hire are no match for Enlil as he summons his demons to attack the humans. Wait. He has got lots of alien spaceships in space awaiting his command to fire?! When Noire holds down Enlil and Glasdale fires, Jeanne intercepts! This means Noire gets killed. I guess she has a responsibility to save Montmorency. Yup, she somewhat felt his presence. So this is how she is going to do it. Kiss Enlil! She goes back to the past when Montmorency was a kid believing alchemy could save the world. When Jeanne talks to him, of course he doesn’t know her, is confused and rejects her. Blown into another part of the past whereby Montmorency and his harem made that promise, same thing. Hi, I’m Jeanne. Who the f*ck are you?! Go away! Blown away. Next is Montmorency and Catherine paying tributes of the graves to all the girls Jean kidnapped. This time she just says they can end all tragedies together. Montmorency says they can’t. Next thing she knows, a vision of her being burnt at the stake. This time the real Montmorency explains with his assimilation with Enlil, he is able to see the flow of time including the future. This might be a fake world but he wants them to leave in this eternal peace. This time she rejects him. Even though the world is a sad and bad place, it is still the world she loves because everybody is there. So let’s go back. Uhm, so she’s a masochist? Montmorency fears she will not be there. Well, she’ll be in everybody’s smile. Technically. And so Montmorency returns by pushing Enlil out of his body. Hah! God is no match for a mere human! You mad, Enlil? Well save some because it’s time Montmorency and Jeanne kick you out of their world for good.

Episode 12
Have some elixir to turn you into Ulysses and kick this damn God’s ass back to where he came from! Damn that was easy! I guess it really shows God wasn’t necessary after all. And the ironic part is how the French people are praising to God that He has blessed them. Yeah… With our heroes collapsed, Noire is going to kill them. Can’t blame her. Philip’s bugging father tells her to do so. Get rid of Jeanne or else the English will be in a pinch and this will affect their Burgundy family who assisted them. The clincher: You will never be with Montmorency. It’s sad but Noire can’t do it. Instead she asks Glasdale to shoot and kill her. He only shoots and breaks her helmet. Finally he completes a mission. When Lord Talbot arrives, he is told by Thomas they are to retreat via Bedford’s orders. Talbot thought he could tough it out as the French side is in disarray. Well, not if every French soldier are motivated to fight like martyrs. But what about Jeanne becoming a legend with this victory? Don’t worry. Bedford has a plan… With the English retreating, time for the French to celebrate. Wow. Batard such a hit with the ladies that they want to f*ck him?! But he got so scared and prefers Alencon?! Is this early French gay shotacon? But where are the stars of the war? They’re not at the party. It seems Montmorency is trying to convince a sulking Jeanne after she learns he gave some of his elixir to La Hire. And what’s this about Catherine being his official wife? This battle isn’t going to be won any time soon. But here comes Charlotte kissing and hugging Jeanne for surviving the battle. Is this early French yuri lesbianism? So Jeanne and La Hire got medals for their bravery, huh? Okay. Better than nothing. Charlotte installs Montmorency as the highest general in the French army. He doesn’t want this but she says it is necessary. The French nobles are in disarray and with La Tremoille still alive (albeit wounded from his battle), he will no doubt plot a comeback. He accepts but with a condition she makes up with Richemont.

We see Astaroth trying to do something useful for once: Leaving them! Too bad Montmorency won’t let her abandon her duty so she scolds him for what?! His answer to that is even though he mastered alchemy, he cannot stop time. The present is the only time they can live. Oh, so philosophical. Who you learnt it from? But Astaroth notes she stopped his time when he was a boy. It must have been Jeanne who moved it forward again. Cue for whatever reason for Astaroth to continue following him. Glasdale reports to Bedford about losing Noire but the latter hints he doesn’t believe it. But no time for checking your subordinate’s loyalty. Time for another mission… Philip is sure shocked the helmet is back in one piece. Something about it cannot be destroyed in this realm? Oh boy, here goes her dead father trying to guilt trip her AGAIN into doing his bidding. Yeah, even dragging Montmorency’s name into it. It’s a good thing Philip is tired of it all and walks away. You go (away) girl! Enough of this sh*t already. Montmorency brings Jeanne to see Catherine as requested. Thankfully she is not here to remind about the pecking order of the harem. Instead, Jeanne wants Catherine to be Montmorency’s crying shoulder should he be sad. Next day, Montmorency announces his strategy to head towards Reims to crown Charlotte. This time they will be joined by Richemont who offers to help. Will her majesty allow it? I guess so. As the French army make their way there, I guess it is sooner or later that Jeanne starts asking Montmorency to make babies with her! Excuse for the other girls to chastise him for being a lolicon.

Full Metal Ulysses: Sainthood
So we get a very anti-climactic narration at the very last scene how Jeanne led the French to defeat the English at the Battle of Patay and hence Charlotte was eventually crowned as the ruler of France. I suppose the magic has run out. No more Gods, demons and fairies to help aid in the French’s victory over the English. Oh well, perhaps it is best to end it here. Because at least technically it is still a good and happy ending. An ending where Jeanne doesn’t get burnt at the stakes!

I’m not really into the history of Jeanne d’Arc but I suppose it follows closely to the historical events. Yeah, my lazy Google for a few seconds some time ago has me ‘convinced’ that this is what supposedly happened. Only, this anime added in some supernatural elements so as not to make you feel like you are watching an animated documentary. Heh. So I suppose the plot for this series can be considered pretty okay in my books. After all, I did speculate this might turn into some cheesy harem but thankfully that didn’t happen. It’s not like this series was gunning for total historical accuracy in the first place, right? Because even though all the characters are real but some of them have been given the gender bender treatment. Because cute young anime girls (and traps) are so much hotter than ugly old Caucasian guys. Thanks anime.

So perhaps this series took a different path because unlike in the history of how Montmorency AKA Gilles de Rais screwed over Jeanne and eventually became a serial killer, it turns into some ‘epic’ battle with space aliens. Heh. It just sounds complicated and mind blowing that an alien proclaims himself to be God based on his own dumb views and now he wants to destroy Earth to bring back utopia? I say this alien dude must be an outcast and kicked out from his own society, the reason why he targeted Earth and decided to become the almighty supreme ruler AKA God. If he could lose to humans and their power of love, I guess he isn’t so mighty after all. Yeah, so called ‘best twist’ in the plot ever. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice… What turned out to be a simple plot of the French trying to throw out the English and gain their people back their freedom, turned into one giant end-of-the-world affair. Jesus Christ not coming down to save you from your sins again.

Eventually Montmorency screws over his harem just to be with Jeanne. Because promises made must be kept. Remember, despite making a promise with his harem during their younger days, it was just to remain as friends. It’s not like they said they all want to marry him, right? Yeah, so Jeanne got the better deal because now Montmorency has to accompany her until she dies. Technically not turning into a wife material (yet) but I guess this is closer than being friends (let those tiny boobs grow first, will you). Him experimenting and dabbling with alchemy for many years and ultimately turning into a vessel serves as an excuse for several kissing scenes but apparently that is how you power up and turn into Ulysses according to this series. And they had to make Jeanne drunk and addicted to his elixir and make her look like some deprived nympho. I suppose that is why they keep using the word ‘baiser’ instead of saying kiss. Because although this French word is a loose meaning of that, it is more often portrayed as a vulgar word to have sex. I think there are topics online to clarify and how not to be confused with sex and kiss because for the latter it should be something like ‘embrasser’. French, people!

Personally, the most useless character in this series as I can see is Astaroth. It is not like this fairy did anything that is so significant after all. All I see her from day one is to provoke Montmorency and complain just about everything. The worst part is that she talks like as though she knows everything but in reality isn’t. She sounds so mighty and know-it-all but when it comes down to the real deal, she doesn’t and just feels like all hot air. Hence putting her role as the protector of the Philosopher’s Stone somewhat redundant. It gets annoying after a while. While she talks big, she is pretty harmless so it was somewhat conflicting to see her killed over and over again temporarily by Enlil because despite finding her irritating, I didn’t really wish for her to be killed. Just hoping she would improve on her behaviour. Too bad Montmorency and Astaroth somewhat reminds me of The Legend Of Zelda’s Link and Navi. Coincidence, no?

Especially the Philosopher’s Stone thingy that Astaroth is supposed to be the guardian of. She won’t tell you its secrets but it always almost comes off rather as because she mostly likely doesn’t know anything about it. Speaking about the Philosopher’s Stone, I don’t really understand how it works and it could make one Ulysses. But apparently if you can split it into half, why not split it into 100 parts? So when that happens, it not only split the offence and defence parts but maybe it will split into more specific departments like the ability to have sex and hit on chicks. Yeah. Really. Damn this Philosopher’s Stone is like the most coveted thing in the world here like the Holy Grail. And I thought those horny men back then only coveted their women. Haha! Oops… Eventually it isn’t just the Philosopher’s Stone that can turn you into a Ulysses but any weapon that sounds legendary and holy enough. Can my grandma’s old toothbrush turn me into Ulysses then?

With Montmorency shifting his attention to Jeanne, I suppose the rest of his harem, I mean, old childhood friends have fallen to the wayside. Like Richemont trying to find her place between the English and French as if carrying the burden of her family name wasn’t enough. Charlotte almost losing her mind as the queen of France and Philip exists only to become an antagonist. Oh my. Such a broken harem, I mean, group of childhood friends. Then you have the supposed fiancée, Catherine still waiting and stuck in the tower back home. I wonder what happens when Jean finds out it was all a lie. Thank goodness pregnancy kits aren’t easily available those days. Oddly, Jean has kidnapped so many girls from nobles, do they not even once tried to send and army to claim them back? Are they that scared of Jean or don’t want their daughters anymore (because male heirs are preferable). If the latter, Jean must have done them a great service. Taking them away and getting nothing in return.

Too bad I felt Richemont was sorely missing in the final battle. I wonder if it could have been epic had she fought along Montmorency and Jeanne against Enlil. Could she have become a Ulysses herself? Nah. Don’t want to get in between them so better fight behind the scenes that we don’t get to see. Do you not agree with me that Philip’s vision of her dead father has got to be the most annoying part of the series? I mean, Enlil is also annoying but at least his context of trying to be God over humans sound funny overall. But Philip’s dad is just like, oh God, how should I put this. Every time this persistent ghost pops up to guilt trip his daughter, I would be going like, “Oh no. Not this sh*t again”. Now that’s what you call truly haunting. I’m so glad Philip walked away from the helmet that started this trouble in the first place. Assuming her father ghost is trapped in there forever. Don’t wear it, no problem. I’m very sure that if she goes back to Montmorency, he will forgive her. After watching this series, we know he is that kind of guy. So don’t worry, let the harem return to its original complete form!

Something about Alencon baffles me. If in this series he is the sister to Richemont, how the heck did he end up being part of the noble ruler of France? In actual history, the Alencon is of French descent but married the daughter of the Duke of Brittany. Wow. The English and French sure do have a long complicated history between them. Especially during the Hundred Years’ war. But here, it’s like they also want to portray him as some useless ruler because of his inaction as he prefers to fool around with his women. At the same time he has got this look on his face that says I-wish-I-wasn’t-here-doing-all-this-sh*t. Providing and raising armies seem to be a pastime during this age and in this series because you see both sides trying to lay siege and hence the need to get more soldiers. I don’t know about the population then but it seemed a hell lot of soldiers on the battlefield each time. Hence characters like Alencon and even Jean feel like a distraction and side plot for the overall series. Just like Batard who feels like the anime needed some trap to distract us. Otherwise, girly boy who proclaims of wanting to be a man can be done without. And now he is a man, what kind of a man doesn’t want to frolic in the arms of busty mature women?! Yeah, you have a long way to go… I think they even purposely named this character so. Yeah, it’s a pun of bastard. Because the character that he is based on, Jean de Dunois was an illegitimate son and thus the nickname Bastard of Orleans.

Despite the characters having the typical kawaii bishoujo and bishonen look, the general atmosphere of the series is mostly dark and gruesome to reflect the medieval and impoverished period. There are also a lot of violence, blood and gore so if you can’t stomach such scenes, feel free to watch something else. Heads coming off, limbs getting cut off and excessive blood overflowing from the corpses are just one of those ‘normal’ things that often happen in war and the battlefield. Really. That’s why their numbers are important so we can see Jeanne the future saint cutting them down in a flash and make us go “Oooooooh…”. The only character design I will ‘complain’ is how Jeanne’s uniform makes her look like a loli slut. I know she is a Ulysses and with that speed and strength, nobody could touch her. But shouldn’t she at least take some precautions and wear some armour? Even sexy armour would do. Okay, maybe not. Because La Hire is so busty and it’s like all the enemies misses her vitals despite her cleavage protruding so much. Thank goodness she kicks ass.

So I suppose it is pure fanservice when they turn Philip into Noire because it was damn unbelievable that she turned from a child-like body to some overly busty and curvaceous babe. I guess it is to hide her identity as Philip when they bring in the Noire character. Because Richemont and Charlotte grew up so busty and it feels like they don’t want to leave Philip behind, hence this sexy armour and helmet trick. Horny guys might want to get this set for their waifus.

One of the most mind boggling and amusing sections in every episode is at the end. The narration of the next episode preview isn’t about the next episode. Instead, the narrator rants about boobs and the likes! It feels so out of place and yet so funny. I mean, the series is already dark and gruesome and then suddenly we have this part relating the wonderful wonder of boobs. Like, WTF?! Don’t blame me. The French nobles dress kinda sexy and showing off their cleavage because before the age of internet porn or even Renaissance art, horny men probably like to look at their women like that. Just maybe. Can we pay more tributes to boobs that are so underrated in this series?! Yeah. I know it’s weird but it’s so funny too. Boobs forever! And then the episode ends with this ‘surprisingly useful French lessons’! In every episode, you are guaranteed to learn a French phrase that has even an advice of when to use it for! An authentic French to pronounce if you don’t know how to pronounce the word. I’ll keep this in mind if I ever want to date a French babe. Je t’aime, mademoiselle!

Although Ryota Ohsaka is the voice of Montmorency, somehow I keep thinking that Yuuki Kaji would have been more awesome helming this character. I don’t know. Is it because Montmorency sometimes closely resembles characters that Yuuki Kaji voiced like K’s Totsuka, Nil Admirari’s Hayato and Tokyo Ghoul’s Ayato. So okay, they’re just hot looking guys. But yeah, I thought Yuuki Kaji would really nail it as Montmorency but Ryota Ohsaka didn’t so a bad job either so I guess that’s okay. The only seiyuu I recognized is Takehito Takeyasu as Enlil.

The other casts are Yuko Oono as Jeanne (Asagiri in Mahou Shoujo Site), Manami Numakura as Richemont (Narberal in Overlord), Saori Oonishi as Charlotte (Eriri in Saekano), Yuuki Takada as Philip (Aoba in New Game), Hisako Toujou as Astaroth (Miko in Animegataris), Shizuka Ishigami as La Hire (Mito in Shokugeki No Souma), Junji Majima as Alencon (Kinji in Hidan No Aria), Hiroaki Hirata as Glasdale (Sanji in One Piece), Yuuki Kuwahara as Batard (Hakua in Shomin Sample), Miyu Tomita as Catherine (Sophie in Tonari No Kyuuketsuki-san), Ayaka Suwa as Thomas (Non in Akkun To Kanojo), Abe Atsushi as La Tremoille (Touma in To Aru Majutsu No Index), Hiroshi Itou as Flamel (Augre in Madan No Ou To Vanadis) and Tessho Genda as Jean (Rudersdorf in Youjo Senki).

The opening theme is Liberation by Mai Fuchigami. Typical anime rock pop but not really to my liking. The one that captures my attention is the ending theme, Hyakunen No Melammu by Rionos. It is basically a slow ballad but sometimes with those hymn voices, it comes off as creepy but at the same time calming. At certain times too, the song sounds like it could be used for a religious ritual. Even more fascinating is the ending credits animation. Well actually, the artwork and sceneries are sketches and water coloured, giving it a unique but also eerie atmosphere. It feels like going through some weird abstract contemporary art.

Overall, a weird action fantasy, it isn’t the greatest but it doesn’t suck badly at the same time. Some no weird out brainer moments but I still enjoyed most of it. Historical accuracy it isn’t because I am very sure that the Hundred Years’ war ended with the English eventually leaving the French alone after being big invading dicks just because of a dispute over the succession of France’s throne. It didn’t end with some cheapskate alien-cum-God apocalypse that would have alleviated Jeanne’s sainthood to godhood. Funny how in Junketsu Maria, God and His angels were like sticking to their guns of non-interventionism in mankind’s petty war among each other, huh? Victory for mankind! Hooray! Oh mon Dieu, ca craint mais que c’est si tellement bon! (Oh God, it sucks but it’s so damn good!). Use it when anime is so crappy that you can’t hate it!

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