6 Angels

December 6, 2019

You know me how I ‘sympathize’ with old retro anime series, right? Because with so many disappointing and mediocre animes in today’s time, the only reprieve is to go back and watch some old animes of the 90’s, right? Even if they suck, they don’t suck that bad because they’re retro animes, right? Well… Until I started watching 6 Angels, that is. Yup. This anime I stumbled upon by chance that came out in late 2001 was bad enough. Originally labelled as a movie, it was broken up into 6 ONA episodes. Yes, even during a time when the internet wasn’t mainstream yet, this was released over the internet as separate episodes. So what’s this anime about? A group of all-female mercenaries. Big bad guy and his ‘family’ hijacked a prison facility. Nuclear warheads. Yeah, you know the story that comes next. Hey, this is the late 90’s and early 2000’s! But still, it’s that bad…

Episode 1
As narrated, the world is still at war, the world is still polluted, blah, blah, blah. No clear line between good and evil? Sure. Whatever. We now jump right into the action scene as we see our Rose Guard patrol women, Maki Aoba, Naomi Jones, Doris Nicholas and Marilyn Moreau being under heavy attack by US missiles. It’s amazing they managed to dodge and survive them all despite crash landing. It’s a miracle, right? Don’t count your chickens too fast because the structure gives way and it’s free fall! Flashback several hours ago, an underground prison known as Neo Purgatory has been hijacked by the Canyon family. Of course the US President has been informed about this and you bet he sent his army to go deal with this situation. Meanwhile our Rose Guards are just waking up to just another morning and heading out for another patrol. Yeah, talking about Christmas, aren’t we? Suddenly they realize something wrong with the transmission. Everything is blocked. Worse, they found a stowaway kid, Katherine Hook who has been sleeping here since last night. You mean they didn’t check? Not even their helicopter robo guard, Giga detected somebody sneaking in?! This is when all hell breaks loose as missiles are locked on them. Back to current time, the helicopter free falls but they must thank Giga for this awesome break falling manoeuvre to cushion their very rough landing.

Episode 2
Flashback shows Katherine’s father was a drunkard and often abused her. The ladies realize they are all safe. There are also a few US marine survivors from this helter-skelter. Meanwhile Ed Canyon is summoned by the big boss, Donn Canyon (Guile, monster version?). He reports that all enemies have been shot down but Donn notices that one of the choppers shot down belongs to Rose Guard and wants them to be taken in. He will use them as their declaration of war. Maki finds what remains of Giga and hopes her mini robo, Link could fix it back to normal. You mean like how it was, functioning and looks? I say that’s impossible… Rose Guard hears about Corporal’s orders to suppress New Purgatory as they are trying to use nuclear weapons. The marines will head in to destroy the core and want the ladies to take cover. But then we see the marines being slaughtered by the mutants of the Canyon family. So much about the males being the heroes. That is when Rose Guard transforms to take on the baddies. It is narrated that Rose Guard is formed to tackle male violence, the reason they are all females. I’m sure bad guys don’t stick to chivalry but whatever. Then Terry Canyon starts using his mecha to blast away the copter while blasting his heavy metal music. Not sure why Rose Guard had to return inside it. It’s not like they could protect it from being destroyed, right? I don’t get it, where this explosion comes from but boom! Meanwhile at the White House, the president is having a meeting from his team. From what I understand, he is trying to withhold actual info from being leaked out. Then the Soviet president calls. Not sure what he wants too. Meeting adjourned. Clock feels the president is not saying something and of course he isn’t. He is told not to aggravate the situation. So Clock has to bite the bullet and pray for the best for his Rose Guard.

Episode 3
Don’t really know what is going on. Rose Guard finds themselves in prison. The moment Maki wakes up and sees JC Canyon and Mike Canyon, she attacks them on impulse. Like WTF?! Be careful, almost dropped from this 100 storey prison! JC and Mike somewhat saved them and are quite the perverts. They want to see their boobs because they think it will explode! WTF?! Who told them that?! I understand Maki gets upset but stripping her top and then lecture them about being perverts isn’t going to help. Oh wait. The boys just got knocked out. Not sure if it’s because they saw her explosive boobs or her lecture. Whatever. So funny that Katherine can’t help laugh. Silly boys. Meanwhile Ed calls Terry and he knows he has a woman hidden and orders him to bring her here. Maki realizes that Marilyn is not with them so Mike tells them she is being held by Terry. Speaking of which, Marilyn is being tortured. Is it me or does Marilyn’s body look like a man’s? When JC detects a camera from Terry and wants to hide, Maki has an idea. When the goons arrive, they see JC and Mike being tied up. They claim they’ve been tricked. Sam Canyon then brings them back to Terry’s base. Oddly despite deactivating security, the system still detects intruders. The guys are then brought into the room where Marilyn is and beaten up. But surprise! You mean Rose Guard remained invisible the whole while?! Wow this got to be level 100 stealth! After rescuing Marilyn, Maki gets clobbered from the back by Sam. However it is Katherine who pumps all the lead and empties her gun into Sam. Probably Sam reminded her of her abusive father and that’s the same solution she gave him. Damn, this girl is most brutal! Then everyone escapes and Terry is like so enraged that he just fires pot shots everywhere and screams. WTF?! Yeah, everybody is mad a Canyon family member is dead.

Episode 4
Looks like America is not going to bow to the demands of New Purgatory and hence the president authorizes the use of nuclear missiles based in outer space that will destroy the entire place. Yeah. That’s so American. Rose Guard is making their escape. Katherine using her feminine wiles to call the guys as bullies and weak despite they calling her strong when they don’t take the front and instead walk behind her. Terry and his goons attack. But too much force that Rose Guard falls deeper into the sewer. Ed is mad but Terry will do something to make it up for it. However Akira Canyon will help big brother out. Looks like he has hacked into the American nuclear missiles’ system. This is the true plan of Donn. Rose Guard is well alive after falling from that height. Link reports that Giga is almost complete but Naomi wants the guys to identify a certain head of US Air Force, Arondeck. They recognize him as the person who always bring them weapons. Speaking of which, he and the US president is meeting with the Soviet counterparts. It seems the Soviet side has launched their own rebellion to attack New Purgatory but is met with strong resistance. With communications back, Rose Guard is able to get in contact with Clock. He informs them that Donn is planning to use nuclear weapons he made on other nations and hopes they could do something about it. But JC and Mike laugh it off and claim there is no such thing. Despite here is a nuclear waste, they won’t explode. This is their retaliation. Clock arrives in time to arrest Arondeck for treason. Akira has hijacked communications of the world so that Donn can speak. He declares war on all humans. Yeah, we know the story of the planet being contaminated by radiation and thus a dying planet. Some history about some nuclear testing in Utah where Neo Purgatory is. Lots of radiation and deaths. People didn’t learn. History repeated. With the radiation becoming worse, not sure about some being will be born out of it. Hence Donn has found a way to purify the planet but blames the authorities for betraying him. So he’s going to destroy the world, huh? But he is giving them 24 hours to change their mind. They could use his weapons and perish with him. Otherwise follow him or die. I’m confused. He’s going to save the world or destroy it? I’m betting on the latter…

Episode 5
Looks like the Pacific nations are being nuked. Oh well, American president is in despair they fell right into Donn’s hands. JC and Mike explain that Donn’s plan will annihilate the surface and those underground will only be safe and hence a new free nation will be born. You mean Rose Guard is contemplating to fight or give up? GIVE UP?! Heck, Katherine even says it’s better to let everyone else die and just for them to stay safe here. Damn, this kid is really brutal. This gives Maki the motivation that they’re going to fight back. So the grand plan is to destroy their launch programme? When Katherine collapses, Link traces some capsule containing radiation to be the culprit. Donn wants Akira to tell Mom that he hasn’t got what he promised. He also wants Ed to tell Terry he doesn’t need Rose Guard anymore and to do away with them. But something doesn’t sit right with Ed. JC and Mike believe Mom can help heal Katherine. Arriving at the reactor, damn Mom is some monster angel?! Despite her hideous looks, she is the kind mother she is. A kiss on the mouth is what it takes to save Katherine. Just in time, Donn pops up to reveal his nefarious plans. Look at the water around. It’s not just ordinary water but the blood of thousands of prisoners that will become some medium to purify Earth. Gee, thousands is enough and not millions? Do Donn wants them to become purified into that medium that will serve to save Earth. Donn leaves and lets his goons handle it. But Terry realizes the robots are not responding. That’s because Link has hacked them! Oh, Link returned and combined with Giga’s body? Odd. Damn, he uses Kamehameha to blasé them away!!! If he runs out of juice, there’s the Soviet mechas to help. Once done, Link also reveals he managed to hack into the launch programme. So he just bought 20 minutes of time?! For some odd reason, cue for Katherine to whine about how this is all her own fault. Feeling useless. Feeling lonely. Cry. Cue for Soviet counterparts to tell her that is just life. Heck, these soldiers are born without limbs and instead of being pathetic, they thought how to live. Once that is done with, it’s time for the final operation. Maki and Mom are going to team up? Wow. Mom spreading her angel wings that even JC and Mike have them?!

Episode 6
Maki and Doris will head into the command centre while the rest retreat. Marilyn and Naomi find a helicopter they can conveniently use and needs minimum fixing. Convenient… Akira is getting so frustrated that the nuclear command doesn’t respond that he shoots one of his comrades! WTF?! Even more WTF because Ed then shoots Akira and the rest in the command centre! Donn is puzzled there is something wrong with the nuclear system but Ed says he is coming to go see him. Whatever Ed’s grouses are, he doesn’t agree with Donn’s plan and shoots at his forehead! But you know… Donn’s a monster so he leaves. Guess what happens to Ed? Maki and Doris enter the command centre, shocked to see dead bodies of the Canyon family. Wow. They easily hack the system and shockingly because they can’t stop the nuclear launch, the change its destination. TO THE MOON?! Why the f*ck not somewhere further like Pluto?! Or Andromeda???!!! Yeah, the missiles head towards the moon and explode but the moon still looks fine… Then Donn finds them and takes them hostage. Looks like he intends to drop this facility filled with nuclear waste onto the world. So that’s enough to destroy the world? Maybe. Hence New Purgatory now turns into some rocket and flies up into space. Then the US president contacts Donn. Damn, even admits his mistakes and hopes he can surrender. Donn of course tells him to go f*ck off. US President must be sweating asking why he is doing this. Interestingly, Donn tells him to look into his own soul.

Maki and Doris find themselves before Donn. Yeah, they are so dumbfounded with this scene just like us. Mom along with Mike and JC crucified?! Donn having angel wings now?! Conveniently, Marilyn pilots the helicopter and latches onto the floating facility. In the nick of time, Link and co busts in to pump all they’ve got towards Donn. Still alive? You bet. Now he has turned into his final form?! A human torch!? With wings???!!! I’m losing it! And then Mom just says it’s time to stop. When Donn won’t stop? She compresses him into a little ball?! WTF?! So easy?! Should have did this from the start!!! Of course she explains from her side of the story that Donn isn’t entirely bad. He first chanced upon her in this reactor and she wanted his help to stop the destruction. And although it might seemed Donn agreed because he get to kill others for the plan, he was also willing to use his own life to do so. Maki has something to say but I guess it’s time to go. After Rose Guard leaves the facility, Mom activates something and, uhm, explodes? Maki then has Link connect to the rest of the world as she explains what happened. The crisis has been averted and the facility has been transported to another world. So that’s what happened???!!! Then she also gives a speech that sounds more like virtue signalling. Uh huh. Let’s overcome this together. Don’t be mad and if you feel mad, just think for a second. Honest!!! That’s what she bloody says!!! And Maki dared say Rose Guard was formed to protect women but don’t know how to eradicated violence in people?! I give up… You think the world was ready to listen to a monster, you think they’re going to listen to some hot chick? In the aftermath, we see Rose Guard doing their usual. The mind boggling part is that JC comes to visit Doris in the bath?! Like how the f*ck did he get back?! And because he is not a ghost, good news for Doris because she gets to beat him up! Oh yeah, Rose Guard’s reputation must be so elevated now that they join the US president and his White House team in the next operation briefing.

Angel Has Fallen…
Well… That was… REALLY BAD!!! I mean, totally absolutely utterly zettai ni crap fest and garbage! Honestly, I have to admit that before I started watching this show, I was already looking around the internet and found the far few and between reviews of this show. None of them had anything good to say! And of course being the curious cat, that was a factor that made me determined to watch this and decide how bad it is. Instead of listening to all those ‘warning’ reviews to stay away, I guess it enhanced my curiosity further. And now you know why it kills the cat, huh? Though, I won’t say I regret watching it because otherwise I wouldn’t really know how trashy this show would be.

Seriously, I don’t know what the producers were thinking when they were making this mini movie. Sometimes it felt like they were making up and coming up with things along the way as the progress. And in the end, you have got one big hell of a mess that doesn’t make sense at all. Honestly, this series does have its potential. Eco terrorists having their decent arguments on ‘saving the world’ or even destroying it. Unfortunately it was so poorly written that I understood close to nothing and in the end it didn’t matter. Because since our heroines won and the bad guys gone, I guess that is it. Happy ending. The end. The world gets to live happily ever after. Oh wait. Make that slowly being poisoned from the ever creeping radiation from the nuclear weapons and wars they continue to make. I guess Mom made the wise decision to move all her family to wherever the next world is. I hope it isn’t heaven. Because heaven will now have a facility carrying nuclear wastes and evil prisoner men who might rape your angels!!! Yikes, Mom! Did you not think this through?! Oh, don’t worry, any naughty children she can just squish into this mini ball size matter. F*ck that end of how the big bad boss dies or get defeated was just hilarious and so disappointing.

Many of the scenes are not clearly explained and it leaves you mind confused. For example that medium that Donn claims is supposed to be used to help purify the world. Like, huh?! What?! I bet the producers came up with that idea and hoped to use it somehow in the movie. Unfortunately nothing ever materialized and that half-baked idea just got slotted into that scene just in case. Yeah, it didn’t matter anyway. And why did JC return? Is he in love with Doris? Not sure. I would love to believe that but I am more inclined they want to make us even more confused. And the last scene that Rose Guard joins the US president and White House… I mean a group of mercenaries in the same room with the people holding the highest posts in America! Oh, thinking about it, it’s not surprising because politicians are a bunch of sneaky crooks themselves… Haha! Nothing to see here anymore. Just move along…

I’m sure they want to highlight some environmental issues and feminine issues as well but I guess they also fail to tell their message. Thankfully this movie came out at the turn of the millennium so obviously the outrage wasn’t there yet (also thanks to this being an obscure movie). Had it come out today, I’m sure there will be lots of anger and criticism from people who don’t even matter. So yeah, the world didn’t end. Even more polluted than before. But we’re still here surviving. I’m sure we’ll figure things out as we advance in technology. I hope. And feminism, Rose Guard might be one of those early all-females group only but as the years pass, there are even more all-female groups in so many other anime series. So yeah. Feminism still alive and doing well. And if you’re wondering why this show is weirdly named 6 Angels, I guess they refer to all the female characters in this series. You know, Rose Guard, the stowaway kid and Mom? Conveniently, right? Too bad nobody cares about that female reporter reporting from the news helicopter. I believe she got blown out of the sky when New Purgatory took to the skies. Ironically, I thought Rose Guard and Katherine would get wings just so that we can have that cue to roll credits but instead, Mom’s sons got them instead… Sheesh…

Compounding the misery and making everything much worse are the characters themselves. Especially Rose Guard who is supposed to be the protagonists of this anime, they have no personality and fall flat. In short, really disappointing. They don’t really have a back story and even if they had one, it is just a very brief one. Not that it makes us want to care. I think they want to be edgy having all women in the lead but they fail to make us want to care for them in anyway because who cares if Maki’s grandma is the one who created this power suit that they are using now. Who cares about Doris being a weapon’s expert because I sure hell didn’t see how she uses a variety of them. And what the heck is Naomi and the kids? Who the f*ck are the kids she keeps mentioning she wants to see? Marilyn… I don’t even know anything about her. Katherine might sound brutal and might come as closest to something we hope to have in a character. Her abusive father and a bitter growing up environment that has her being bitter about life. She may be a brat and an annoying (but lucky) stowaway following Rose Guard around but unfortunately towards the end, her ‘meltdown’ tamed her a lot like as though she realizes it’s time to be a good girl and shut up. Damn, I was even rooting for her to have a go at Donn. Was it that radiation thingy that made her say some crazy stuffs? If Link wasn’t enough being a tiny mecha mascot, then combining with Giga to turn him into one looks… Weird.

And then there is the rest of the Canyon family… As I’ve said, they look like they have the potential of becoming a fearful terrorist group but unfortunately I ultimately don’t really know what they want. The ragtag of the family look like they are being inspired from Mad Max and could have been much more interesting if they had been given much more screen time instead of their forced appearance so as just to tell us they are the bad guys. So are JC and Mike the good guys of the big bad family? Are they considered the black sheep of the family? I feel their characters are only to serve as inept bungling spies for Rose Guard and to show female power because these guys are just useless and nothing but (mild) perverts. What happened to Ed? We didn’t see him die but I guess that is what happens to one when he opposes the big boss. Terry? So that liquid medium he fell in is fatal, huh? I guess we can write him off. Worse, I don’t even know what Mom is doing and I am largely thinking that because she is a retard who knows nothing about human justice and sin, that is why she is late to act. I wonder if her power is also limited because she could have just whisked the entire world to another dimension. But then again, humans won’t learn and continue to pollute the new world. So yeah, on the other hand if Rose Guard couldn’t save the day, I was also foreseeing a tragic ending in which the Canyon family destroys the world and in some world purifies it.

One of the more frustrating things while watching this video is the bad spelling and translation. Yeah, I guess that’s why a lot of things we don’t understand it is because it got lost in translation. This is such an old movie and my bet is that there are no good subs and the one who probably did it had just half-baked English and non-native English speaker (who the f*ck is Tone Kane?! Oh, you mean Donn Canyon…). A few lines are omitted or badly translated. I know. My Japanese isn’t that good even after all these years but thanks to the dialogue not one of this show’s strong points, some of the simple lines I can actually catch and yet the translation got it way wrong. But worse still, the original production itself is flawed and filled with bad spelling itself. Could you imagine that I was wondering what the heck is Neo Pagatori?! You mean, New Purgatory?! And this one I remember clearly. That big word ‘DECASED’ on the screen. Like, huh? What the heck does that mean? Oh… You mean DECEASED!!! WTF???!!! Spelling purists might get mad at how many of these simple mistakes permeate this show but I guess if you’re like me a simpleton, first you get flabbergasted and then you laugh at all the silliness.

Action wise, they’re terrible to boot too. You’d think I would forgive this because it is retro anime and that was the standard then. However it is so bad that I just couldn’t find my inner Buddha and Jesus to do any forgiving. Even if God forgives this pile of garbage, I won’t. Hence the action sequences feel forced because it needs to have one just because this movie is so. I mean when you have a dystopian future dealing with hardened criminals, you’re going to expect some sort of gun fights, right? See, this is why the mind boggling setting that capital punishment has been abolished, criminals now get to live and run rampant. You see what you stupid leaders are making the future of the world of?! Is this what you call human rights?! I’m sure the criminals won’t give a f*ck about chivalry either. And yeah, amidst the lousy action scenes, some explosions! Gotta have some explosions! Boom! I was also hoping to see Rose Guard fighting and taking down the Canyon family one by one but I guess they owned themselves. After they got Sam, it’s like that’s the last of the family they’ll ever fight with. Stupid goon clones don’t count and aren’t exciting… So basically an internal family feud was the main reason a big number of the Canyon family got annihilated. And then mommy finally owning daddy… Is that a reflection of how most household operates?! And I thought the Canyon family is supposed to be powerful or at least have some sort of weird powers due to the radiation contamination. Nope. Didn’t see any effect.

Now we move on to the art and animation. Yup, horrendous. Should have been better and this time I can’t use ‘because it is a retro anime’ to justify why it’s just bad. The series is set in the future but it looks so futuristic that it’s so dated. CGI is also used but they are so stiff and rigid that it’s painful to watch. I know technology isn’t that advanced then but I believe they could do better than this. This makes me wonder if the producer making this is really on a tight budget. Limited funds and resources were given and he needed to make something out of it. And something was made and this was what we got. Hey, at least it was something. I think they want to show a few fanservice moments (isn’t it why Rose Guard is all female?) and Maki looks the hottest because she’s the only one who bared her bare tits and in her lingerie. Good thing those boobs didn’t explode, huh? Sorry guys, didn’t’ get any boner watching that very short scene of sexy Maki. And the rest of the sexy level of the rest aren’t just there. Marilyn has a body of a man. Doris is just meh. Katherine is a kid (are there any lolicons out there?) and Naomi is a, uhm, black?! Oh sh*t! Racist!

The character designs too are fail. Especially the Canyon family who could have been inspired by everything from here there and everywhere. Like Donn himself like I’ve said looks like a monster version of Guile and this could be his Darkstalkers version. For some reason we have Ed as your typical evil salaryman. Dressed so sharp but for what occasion, huh? Then you have got a bunch of heavy metal Metallica bros in Terry and Sam. Could have been crazier but whatever. Then Akira looks like some hacker brat kid but I think his other family member in the command centre looks even worse, a mad scientist, I suppose. Hmm… A mad scientist doing computer hacking… JC and Mike are the ‘good guys’ thanks to their good looks and don’t judge a book by its cover because Mom might look hideous but that’s not enough to give me nightmares. If I don’t stare at her long enough… And those other non-important Canyon family goon clones… I thought they are a discount version of Power Stone’s Jack. Yeah, what a lazy way to draw all those mindless low level zombie guards by covering their entire head with bandages. Yes, it is to hide their hideous mutated face but I believe those who did not read the synopsis or reviews will be baffled to see why they look like monsters. Radiation contamination turned them into such, that is. On a side note, I wonder why Marilyn’s hair tone colour reminds me of Yugioh’s Yugi…

Overall, it has been said to death that this show is really bad. Super bad. I am its latest ‘victim’ to have watched and add to the statistics at how appalling the quality of the story, characters, action, animation and just about everything else. Especially that line of women’s boobs explode! What the f*ck were they thinking?! Is that bad quote how they want us to remember this forgettable series?! The only good news is that so far nobody has pinpoint this movie to be remade! Oh the horror! Not surprising in today’s era of remakes, reboots, retellings, etc. But I have hope that it would be better had it been given better development. Then again, better not. Some things are better left buried and most probably we can thank all the contaminated radiation and nuclear waste surrounding this movie that makes it hard for others to approach it in any way. Come back in millions of years when it is finally purified. Oh, just f*ck it all! Just nuke this movie and let it be forgotten forever! I guess it is somewhat true that when Rose Guard can’t even figure out how to stop violence, we still can’t figure out how to stop making bad animes! And so with violence and pollution continuing, sad to say so will bad animes… :’(.

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