Compiler

Oh man. I must be on a roll in finding and watching trashy retro OVAs! That’s right. I don’t know if I have a knack in finding them recently. So which trashy OVA is it that I have stumbled on? Why, it’s Compiler! You bet it’s going to be some com-pile of sh*t of 1994! HAHAHA!!! Anyway, it was the synopsis that attracted me. When 2D beings discovered our 3D world, they sent beautiful dominatrix babes for total integration. However, they found that cybersex with a few 3D guys is a lot more fun than world conquest!!! Now they are facing the dilemma to protect their f*ck masters boyfriends and protect Earth or risked being deleted by their former masters and an army of killer programmes. OMFG!!! THAT IS SO EPIC!!! I NEED TO SEE THIS EVEN THOUGH I AM EXPECTING SOME SORT OF TRASH OUT OF IT!!!

Episode 1
Compiler is walking down the streets when Nachi tells her to not be so gloomy or there won’t be any men who will want her. This, from a guy who is having a fling with his girlfriend?! You bet Compiler is not happy. That is why back home, Compiler just feels so angry that she locks herself in her room. Assembler and Toshi ask her to come with them to eat but she refuses. You people go eat and have fun yourself. Eventually Compiler realizes she is hungry and there is nothing in the house for her to eat. So she goes out. What does she see? Nachi being rejected by a different girl! Compiler sounds like she has the last laugh as she mocks him of that pathetic display. Nachi gives excuses that girl was just his old friend. Whatever. Nachi then tries to hit on her and take her out to dinner. Yeah, he is saying all those cheesy pickup lines. Wet sexy lips seducing me… WTF… Naturally, Compiler is a woman so it’s probably what she wants to hear. As he inches closer, she suddenly pushes him away and won’t fall for his trickeries. He tells her to be honest with herself but she’s had it and leaves. Guess what’s next for this jerk? He goes to flirt with the other ladies in the bar!!! OMFG!!! ASSHOLE!!! Sadly, one of them fell for his charms. Yup, he uses the same recycled cheesy pickup lines. Wet sexy lips seducing me… Is that his magic word and key to all the women’s heart?!

Next day, Nachi returns and Toshi and Assembler are worried he did something to Compiler. Because last night when she came home, she didn’t say anything at all and stormed into her room. She is even ignoring him right now. Yeah, looks like she is deep in thoughts. Later, Assembler picks up a call. Because it is from a woman, Nachi instantly rushes down to take the call and have a long chat with her! Assembler talks to Compiler and learns about Nachi’s confession. She wonders what she’ll do if Nachi is serious. Before she could reply, the doorbell rings. Last night’s woman he flirted visits. I guess she told the rest something so serious that they have to force stop Nachi having his fun chat and settle this. Seems the jerk won’t apologize to the woman he just met. This causes her to cry and blurt out how he promised he would let her stay with him. Toshi has to apologize on his behalf that his brother says this to all women when he is drunk. That is when Compiler tells her to STFU and stop playing the victim. Because it was her who made the decision and there won’t be any man who will be her perfect partner just because he slept with her for a night. That lady gets mad and storms off. Yeah, short of thanking her for this wakeup call. Compiler then wanders around the city as Nachi tries to find her. Yeah, add some drama with him getting drenched in the rain. When he finally does, she thinks he was worried for her. Then he makes a promise. Next time he makes a pass on another woman, he’ll tell her he is not serious! OMFG! YOU SERIOUS! No wonder Compiler is madder and slaps him! He is the same pervert whether drunk or not! She calls for his death but he won’t give up and tries to reconcile. You blew your chance, buster…

Episode 2
Looks like the council isn’t happy with the failure of a couple of guys and is going to delete them. However they plead for another chance. And so they’ll be given another but this time they will be reborn in a different form! Assembler is blaming Toshi that he doesn’t like her cooking. He tries to reason with her but she keeps b*tching about it. Then Nachi just comes in and eats all her cooking. Tastes bad. Assembler beats the sh*t out of him! In the process, it damages Toshi’s precious photo so Assembler uses some software to revert it to its original state. With Toshi and Assembler reconciling, Nachi isn’t pleased because it’s the same routine love comedy every week! Hence he wants a change of pace. A trip to Osaka! Oh yeah. This guy just wants to have fun and eat all the good stuffs. Also in Osaka are a couple of assassins, Upload and Download. As they arrive in the form of naked women, you bet the men there are all getting horny. But they change their mind seeing how brutally strong they are. Then they insert some disc to blend in. So they become comedians, huh?! As Compiler and co visit the comedian club, the assassins are doing their usual jokes on stage when they suddenly attack Compiler. Of course they fail. Knowing that the council has send assassins, you mean they’re not bothered to take safety precautions and instead continue their holiday?! Oh well, if the council can send assassins anytime and anywhere, might as well cross the bridge when they get there. Then they rest in their hotel rooms. Honestly, nothing happens!

Next day, they eat at some shop but there is the bumbling assassin duo to ruin things. Yeah, they’re doing some random comedy crap that I don’t get. After that, because Compiler can’t deduce what type they are, some mysterious chick tells them they are super hybrid terminators made from the council’s conversion technology before vanishing. The comedians then start to turn statues into their robots to wreak havoc over the place. Compiler also does the same thing but she does it for a missile! OMFG! HOW THE F*CK CAN THE MISSILE JUST DESTROY THOSE STATUES BUT LEAVE THE CITY PRETTY MUCH INTACT???!!! Then they visit a tower. This is a place that is in Toshi’s photo. He doesn’t remember much since he was a baby in the picture. Of course, of course, the bumbling assassins aren’t done yet and so once more they pop up to cause nuisance. This time turning a satellite tower into a monster. Oh damn, they’re really destroying the whole place now! Even the military is no match! I wonder what the casualty count is. So is Compiler going to just stand there and watch?! Although Compiler claims that she’s tried whatever gods she had summoned, Nachi still remembers there is another one. Uhm, this Colonel Sanders statue? At this point, Compiler is told that these assassin babes are actually those gay assassins who were after her and they claim if they defeat her, they’ll return to their original form. And Compiler thought she likes them this way. Yeah. They’re (stupidly) funny! KFC mascot then turns into the real god which is some baseball dude named Randy Bass. Who the f*ck this guy?! Just like that he smashes the monster and send those idiots flying away. Good riddance? But we all know that Osaka city is safe! After all this destruction? You bet your ass it is!

Cyber Sex And The City
Uhm… What… The… F*ck… WTF???!!! Oh well, that was to be expected. I am feeling so conflicted right now. Because the first episode was really as boring as f*ck! It was just some long drawn out drama between Compiler and Nachi that really amounts to nothing. Heck, it was so far and deviated from the synopsis that I read, I began to wonder if I was actually watching the correct series to begin with! I mean, oh my lord, that first episode was nothing advertised in the synopsis at all. Just some very serious and silly drama trying to justify and give meaning to their relationship. Then the second episode game and boy it turned everything upside down! Suddenly it has become some sort of a slapstick comedy! Everything was so silly, exaggerated and over the top! This could have been what the series is all about! Even the characters sometimes breaking the fourth wall and they have this dumbstruck and dumbfounded expression on their face whenever something stupid happens!

There is actually a sequel after that but it lasts almost an hour. Yeah, seeing how my attention span is so short these days, I decided to give it the skip seeing that both these OVA episodes did not impress me great enough to go watch it. It might have had better storyline and follow that awesome synopsis but I have lost interest at this point and basically done with the series. I fear I might be trolled again and that’s something I feel I don’t want happening (despite I have been tricked so many times into watching sleazy and disappointing animes in the past). I mean, with the first episode so boring and the second episode so outrageous and bizarre, I don’t know if the sequel will be a mix in between. There were warning labels of nudity but I only remember 2 instances. The opening sequence for the first episode that perhaps trolled me into thinking the rest of the series would be like this. Nothing. And the other is Upload and Download’s short naked woman form. That’s all. The rest are just sexy bits but no nudity. Disappointing… And that’s where my disappointment is too. No sex scenes! Not even any trolling ones! Without that catchy synopsis, I wouldn’t even be watching this. But now I’m wondering where the heck is all that and it doesn’t look like Compiler and Assembler, 2 hot and cute looking chicks, seemingly interested in sex. WHERE THE HELL IS THE SEX PART?!

I don’t know if the main characters are just disappointing because with only 2 episodes, how much can they flesh out, right? Like Nachi is supposed to be some playboy dude and comes off mostly like a jerk. That’s the first episode. The second episode, he is more like a joker and making and doing stupid stuffs. Compiler tries to be the cool and calm beauty but she turns out to be more annoying in that form rather than anything else. Then there is Toshi and Assembler who are the other pair but they feel more like nothing burger too. I don’t see Assembler doing anything much at all. Mostly it is Compiler since, well, what’s the name of this series again? And who is that mysterious chick again? Those who read the short manga this OVA was based on should know but other than that, it just felt like they just need to introduce her for the sake of introducing her. And those council dudes look like discount KKK but with a flatter top. It could have been interesting had the series had more episodes because it was really damn awesome to have 2D people getting hooked on 3D sex. Because love > war! Oh man, I would really love to see this one. Oh right. The sequel. My interest just died down again. Maybe next time in the distant future if I still remember this.

Overall, this series is indeed a disappointment. They baited us with that awesome storyline but had nothing in these couple of episodes to show for. Perhaps that is why this show was so obscure because the episodes did not live up to the synopsis itself. Hence only treasure hunters who dig up old retro anime series are the only ones who are likely to stumble upon this com-pile piece of trash. Hah. Couldn’t resist in making that pun again. Oh well. That’s the 90’s for you. A weird time where such OVAs are just flashy rapid fire than substance. Before Ultron spent 5 minutes on Earth’s internet and wanted to destroy all of humanity, there were a couple of hot 2D babes who got f*cked and feeling the best 5 minutes of their lives! (I can never forget this epic plotline even if the episodes itself are trash). It’s like saying a 5 inch dick is still much better and more real in the feel compared to the unrealistic 10 inch 2D dick… The reverse is true for us otaku guys. Because we fap more to online porn than getting laid for real… :’(.