Hametsu No Mars

Well, well, well. Just when I thought I had seen the worst anime ever in my life, it just goes to show that there are those that can do even worse. While randomly browsing through the internet because you know, what else should I be doing if I am not watching my usual animes, I stumbled into an old article claiming the worst animes ever in history. One of them being Hametsu No Mars AKA Destruction Of Mars. Because of its horror genre, I was reluctant to watch it. But reading those reviews how it was so bad that it was good, I had to go check it out. After all, it is only a single OVA episode that lasts only 19 minutes. Uh huh. I’ve got so much time to waste and spare in this Corona virus season.

Destruction of integrity…
We see a Mars expedition returning from its trip. As it is entering Earth’s atmosphere, something went wrong and the whole ship just blows up. Fast forward with an on screen post that tells us a few months have passed and something happened to Tokyo. They didn’t say what it is but we know it’s something bad. Real bad. Because now we see hot chicks trying to take down monsters known as Ancients. Yup, so badass these monsters, one of the girls’ head just explodes from their attack! Woah! You wonder why they don’t armour up and protect themselves like this dude, Takeru Hinata. Sure, his MARS armour may be more style than substance but at least it’s better than running around like that. Anyway, Takeru kills the Ancients but not before they deal some damage to him. Yeah, some armour that was. As Takeru lies in ICU, we see some flashback that Takeru was forced to join this task force and wear this armour. He really didn’t want to and accused dad of just wanting to show it off. But daddy tells him to STFU and wear it and that’s that. WTF… Fortunately, Takeru regains his senses. He’s okay but still in shock. And there’s some narration about the responsibilities of being born into the Hinata family. WTF, we don’t care…

Oh, good timing to introduce us to AAST. Anti-unidentified Ancients Special Team. Should’ve been ASSED… Anyway, they are made up of hot chicks from police forces specializing in weapons, combat, etc. And yeah, there’s Takeru who was a normal high school until he had to wear MARS and fight along with them. The reason was never told why… Yeah, I guess the writers couldn’t figure it out in time either. As they’re doing some escort mission, the usual boring job and idle chatter until their superior says stop talking and focus on the job. Yes, ma’am. Because it’s a death flag as Ancients attack! Oh sh*t! A police car just exploded! Time for some action. Stupid policemen just stand there to get his guts ripped! Takeru wears MARS to fight but there’s only so much he can deal with. Then there’s this Ancient boss (because he looks so different) he starts owning the AAST girls but how kind of him not to kill them so fast. Because Takeru is being given a prototype plasma rifle. It’s risky but it was designed with the MARS suit. He only has one shot at this because its recharge rate is super slow and it might go out of control. No wonder Takeru is so unconfident he can’t do it! Oh well. He has to. Because the AAST girls are continuing to get their ass whipped. F*ck, Ancient boss how long is he going to strangle that particular girl!? Takeru charges the plasma rifle up and shoots a hole right through the guts! Damn, that was sure easy!

Now what’s this? We hear a scientist explaining some mumbo-jumbo but ultimately he mentions about DNA samples found on Mars. What does this mean? Get ready for this. Humanity was from Mars! There was civilization on Mars! OMFG!!! No wonder the general can’t believe this crap! Back to the battle scene, oh sh*t, Ancient boss wakes up and walks towards Takeru! You mean nobody made sure it was dead???!!! Then surprise motherf*cker! IT SPEAKS!!! He blames that humans are the Martian invaders who invaded Earths and that Ancients are the real Earthlings!!! OMFG!! Are your minds blown now!!! Then the AAST girls pump plasma bullets into it. You can tell he is dead when he just freaking explodes!!!!! Oh man. After what we’ve seen, I can’t blame Takeru for being in so much shock.

D.O.T.A.: De-farce Of The Ancients
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh… You mean it’s over. But I haven’t finished laughing hard yet! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh man… OH MAN… I guess they were right. It was so freaking bad that it was just good!!! So why didn’t this masterpiece get another sequel or its own TV series???!!! Oh right. Because unlike in today’s era and standards, I guess even way back in 2005 if your show is garbage, it means that is the end of you. No chance for redemption at all. So it is safe to say that this is truly one of the worst shows ever I have seen, even surpassing that 6 Angels crap that I saw last year. Phew. Good riddance. And to think that this was a horror genre (hence why it was mostly ‘acknowledged’ as the worst horror anime in history). Damn, it should’ve been comedy gold! Oh, what’s this about this anime is set in the year 2010?! I don’t even know where to begin… 10 years later in real time and we might not be getting those freaking Ancients but we have all the other nonsense that’s been going about. Yup. That’s the real horror story!

Okay, the very obvious fail is the quality of the production. From the start, you can tell that the quality of the animation is already crap. And to think that this was produced as an OVA. I feel sorry for those people who actually bought the DVD back then and only to be greeted with this horrendous quality. The animation quality is so off that you can obviously see the inconsistency in the characters. Yeah, upon closer look, they have this derp face and the likes. Like, WTF?! Oh, did I mention their movements also feel a bit robotic? Worse, they all look the same, especially the AAST girls. You only can differentiate them because of their different hair colour and hairstyle but even so, seeing how short this anime is, you won’t probably give a damn. And the Ancients’ design was just f*cking hilarious. I don’t know. Maybe somebody on the team got inspiration from those sentai genres. Yeah, Ancients look like those low level baddies. No wonder Ancient boss looks so much like some sentai type monster.

Next up are the action bits. Boy, it is sure f*cking laughable!!! Like as though they hired some D-grade actors to play the Ancient monsters and nobody has a clue on what fighting is. You just see the Ancients swinging their limbs and the AAST girls firing their pea shooter plasma guns that don’t even work. They thought they could scare us with a bit of some graphic violence such as head exploding and guts being ripped off and blood flying all over the place. But remember what I said about the production quality being so bad? Yup. It just makes it all look freaking funny! Oh well. We can’t complain. We’ve got our action. We’ve got our violence. We’ve got our blood and gore. What else more can you expect from a 20 minute long OVA???!!!

And yeah, the story. Oh boy. The story is a mess. Oh wait. Was there one to begin with? Something tells me that this OVA could have been just a promo and introduction and if the response was good, they’ll make more. Thank goodness it wasn’t and that’s the end of that. Good for both viewers and the producers too. We can now dump this thing in the garbage chute and forget it for all eternity. It saves the viewers from more watching and wasting time watching more atrocity and it also saves the producers from thinking about what crap to flesh out. Though, the interesting take is about humans being Martians but that itself wasn’t enough to save the entire story. Like as though when they wanted to write something based on this concept, they had no idea at all and was just winging it all the way. And then they go, “Hey, if people liked it, maybe we can come up with something and add more to the lore!”. Yeah… So it is sad that even the characters feel wasteful. Something about Takeru but we don’t care. Like as though they want to make him a clone of Neon Genesis Evangelion’s Shinji but they fail big time. Big time! And do you care about the other AAST girls even if they have names? Yup. Thought so.

OMG. The sound. The dialogue feels amateurish and like as though they just plucked someone out from the streets to do the voice acting. It just feels so weak. Yeah, hear the voice of those being killed? Or the Ancients’ moaning? Your heart will be conflicted to laugh or be cringe! And to think that Minori Chihara had a hand in this voicing one of the AAST girls! Was she?! I couldn’t even recognize her until I saw the credits! Not that I wanted to go back and hear and confirm her voice again but I guess you can’t expect a famous seiyuu to voice every hit anime, right? And the music, oh God, I think they really have no budget so they rip the music from several famous classical pieces. The obvious one being Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata and Bach’s version of Ave Maria. Not to say other works didn’t borrow these pieces but for this one, every piece is borrowed! So don’t be surprised to hear Bond’s Victory and Erik Satie’s Gymnopedie No. 1. Hey, is that a Flash Gordon spoof I hear?! Not that any of the songs fit the scenes anyway.

Overall, this anime raises more questions than answers but at this point, we all just don’t f*cking care because it’s so horrendous and hilarious, we don’t even want to know anymore. The story, characters, animation, action, sound and all the quality is just so bad that it makes you think if there could be anymore that could be lower than this. Hence, the only thing way more interesting than watching this show is to read all the sarcastic comments about it! OMG. I was already laughing at all the bad stuffs here, now I am laughing at all the bad reviews calling this an absolute masterpiece! Oh man. This really made my day in such uncertain times. I think I’ve seen it all and nothing can surprise me anymore. Because when those guys from WHO suddenly come out and give startling discoveries about the Corona virus being the real Earthlings trying to kill us human invaders who invaded Earth, I think I know where they get their BS science from. And then it’s time to laugh real hard again. Or die laughing. Either way is good for me :-).