Kinniku Banzuke: Kongou-kun No Daibouken

Imagine American Ninja Warrior and other similar sports entertainment reality shows having a slight twist in their games: The loser ends in death! OMFG! That really gives death match a whole new meaning! And so that was what made me interested to take a look at the retro OVA anime series, Kinniku Banzuke: Kongou-kun No Daibouken. A group of kids have been invited to compete in the ultimate strength competition only to find out that the only way to survive this is to win it all because otherwise the other way out if you lose is to die. Oh man. Who the f*ck is the heartless motherf*cker making kids fight to the death???!!! Oh yeah. Let me see some blood! These kids better die for the sake of my entertainment! HAHAHAHA!!!

Episode 1
We see Kongou and Sasuke in a challenge stint as Habato and Yuka referee them (WTF this iconic Mortal Kombat techno music spoof!!!). It ends with a draw. Kongou wants to continue since he holds a slim lead over Sasuke but the rest are bored since they do it every day so continue this tomorrow! Kongou narrates all of them are training to be the best athletes and their dream is to participate in Muscle Stadium where all the best athletes gather and compete every 4 years. Like, the muscle of Olympics? As they return home, they are made a fool out of a group of kids who are faster and sneakier than them. That’s right. They serve under Dark Muscle who is the owner of Muscle Stadium. Randoru, Jougi, Pencil and Taziki are here to invite them to Muscle Stadium. It’s that time already? Yeah, be there if you are dare. So the quartet consult their master. Well, do they feel like going? Hell, YEAH!!! And just like that he gives his blessings and also cautions them. After taking a boat ride to this mysterious island, their first task is to open this heavy door. Can’t? Go home. With Kongou’s immense strength, this is a piece of cake. Now we see all the weirdoes participating. So you think this is going to be some martial arts tournament, huh? Well, teams of 4 will stand on some platform with numbers on the edges. They are to take turns throwing a ball to a numbered bingo. Hitting that number means that number on the opponent’s platform will come lose. Oh, Dark Muscle pops up to announce this is also a death match. To show them it’s real, Dark Muscle’s group goes first and pitches perfectly. One of the macho team’s guys falls to his death! The rest gets scared and gives up! Is that allowed?! I THOUGHT THIS WAS A FIGHT TO THE DEATH EVEN IF THIS IS JUST SOME THROWING COMPETITION???!!! For Kongou’s group, they’re up against pro baseball players! How the f*ck do they even qualify?! But hell yeah, Kongou’s team throws better than those losers! So scared that they give up! It’s the finals now, team Kongou vs team Dark Muscle. Kongou throws first but misses. Jougi does his and hits bull’s eye. Oh dear. Getting scared now?

Episode 2
So now the friends think Kongou missed on purpose?! You really want to suspect your teammate?! With Jougi continuing to throw perfectly, Habato senses something amiss. He has Yuka throw this time. Despite calculating perfectly, she misses! Habato has seen the trick so when he throws, it is to destroy the fan machine! OMFG, his ball can destroy a machine?! So that’s the only trick the baddie has? But how will team Kongou catch up? Why, hit and destroy 2 numbers at once! On the final throw, Yuka seems to have genuinely missed. It could be team Kongou’s doom but Jougi misses on purpose. This is because they want to further humiliate them. Oh, so you mean there are more matches?! Damn right. Looks like we see snippets of everyone playing really weird power games. As usual, it always ends up with team Kongou vs team Dark Muscle in the end. So for this power force game (some reverse tug of war), the ante is up because if you fall, there are sharp spikes waiting below. First up, Sasuke vs Taziki. Obviously the fatty latter is stronger. Luckily Sasuke uses his claw to avoid falling to his death. Next up is Yuka vs Pencil. The latter cheats by using spikes on her shoes for more grip. However with Yuka not giving up, Pencil starts to slip. This gives Yuka the advantage to pull and win. But before Pencil falls to her death, Yuka tells her to jump and land on her platform. This saves her from death but her cheating shoes have been revealed. Yuka warns Kongou about this but whether they play dirty or not, he will fight them fair and square. So now it is Kongou vs Randoru. The latter doesn’t hesitate to start cheating with his spike shoes. But Kongou buffs up and his immense strength sends Randoru plummeting to his deathfeat. Kongou strong enough to hold up the rope to save this punk ass’ life. Now we are at the final event as team Dark Muscle has a slight lead over team Kongou.

Episode 3
In this monster box (basically jumping a vault but it gets higher and higher), it seems Randoru decides not to cheat and destroys his power wristband. He wants to beat Kongou fair and square. Pencil and Taziki follow suit but Jougi will not. Jougi thinks this is amounting to betrayal of Dark Muscle. Flashback shows a training facility to train all the kids. Yeah, I’m wondering if this is a torture facility too. In the end, only the 4 of them made it. As finals begin and the vault gets higher and higher. The only ones left are Kongou, Randoru and Jougi. Obviously Randoru has sustained injuries in his leg now. Jougi points this out but Randoru doesn’t mind. Because he is having fun competing with Kongou fairly. Even when Dark Muscle realizes this, he tells Randoru to cheat but he won’t. Dark Muscle chides to obey him because heart is not needed in victory. He is his pawn! Randoru says GTFO because he is not a machine! When it is Kongou’s turn, Randoru spots a trap at the spring and stops him. He points out an electrocution mechanism that would’ve affected his jump! OMFG! Just unplug it! Let’s continue this fair and square. Eventually Randoru’s injury gets to him so he goes out. Jougi can’t stand all this friendship thing but it still got to him. So he destroys his own wristband and then spectacularly fails. But he feels better now, right? Now it is all down to Kongou. Remember, if he loses, team Dark Muscle wins since they hold the lead. And with no plot twist, Kongou pulls it off and wins it. Now Dark Muscle is mad. So mad he breaks his wine glass! Before Kongou and Randoru can give their sportsmanship handshake, Dark Muscle announces he won’t accept this. Cue to reveal he is doing this for revenge. 30 years ago, he was a champion but when he lost once, the crowd ignored him. Because to the people, a champion is just an illusion. So he wanted to create a champion and control the crowd. OMFG, WHAT???!! Guess what? He is going to kill all the athletes and destroys the stadium?! OMFG motherf*cker doing WHAT???!!! Everyone escapes. Randoru’s injury has him fall through a gap. Kongou returns to save him and tells the rest to escape first. The duo won’t let this death trap get the better of them and use all their strength to survive. In the aftermath, a bit of drama as their pals didn’t think they made it out alive. Just call their names and voila! Here they are! We’re so happy, time for a group hug! It is hinted Dark Muscle got away and won’t let this be the end. OMG, will we see him in another 4 years?!

Mortal Combat: Deception
Well, uhm… That was all just pretty normal and average! Like, WTF???!!! Looks like I have been deceived!!! Nobody actually died?! Well, maybe all those background characters whom we don’t give a f*ck about but really, no deaths. Not even blood! I HAVE BEEN BAMBOOZLED!!! Yeah, to think I was really having my hopes up to see that but I guess they don’t want to make real kids cry by having these kids die. Hey, isn’t this a show for kids? From the presentation to the flow of the series, definitely it feels like it was made for younger audiences. And as to why this OVA had only 3 episodes and ended in the most cliché and unspectacular way, my bet is that it was to help promote the video game. Yes, this OVA was based on the video game of the same name that came out in the same year, 2001. Oh man, I’m really feeling so old right now. So if you want to know more about the plot and everything else, go play the game. If you can find it, that is.

Of course, now I am going to b*tch about the plot that I have been deceived about. That’s right, there are technically no death matches here. Sure, each match could end in death but many competitors chicken out or find a loophole to avoid that. In a way, rendering this whole death match thingy pointless. I mean, what is the point of calling it so when competitors can circumvent it? I don’t know if it is to bait viewers to watch this show but ultimately that was definitely all false advertising! Hence I am going to greatly assume that nobody has died in these games. Not even the first macho guy who fell to his death to be made an example of for what’s to come. Yeah, we didn’t see his dead body! Even in the final scene where the whole damn stadium collapsed, I am going to also assume that nobody died and all got out safely! Because I would have been seeing dead corpses everywhere! But seeing this is a kiddie show, they’re not going to show it, am I right? Thus no deaths occurred at all! The irony Dark Muscle wants athletes dead and he failed to kill a single one of them. Yeah, he may only got a muscle for his brain! HAHAHAHA!!!!!

The next thing I want to b*tch about are the games. With only 3 episodes, definitely not enough to see them all (once again, go play the video game if you want more variety). While I won’t go so far as to say the games featured here are strange (yes, they are weird but not that weird), what I want to really point out is that there are no clear rules to them. Just a few of them and then the rest is left up to interpretation. Because you can definitely see that team Dark Muscle is cheating and nobody gives a damn. Don’t tell me everyone is that stupid not to spot the obvious. Anyway, because of this, this is the reason why this is no longer a death match. I mean, the rules are not laid out specifically and so competitors are free to do what it takes to clear the match. For example the monster box. All I know is that competitors must clear the vault. How you do it, they didn’t say it, right? Even the power force game when you have lost and going to drop to your death, there are no rules say you can’t do anything to avoid it, be it using tools to prevent your fall or your enemy help save your ass. So yeah, all this ambiguity prevents any deaths (so we can have team Kongou and team Dark Muscle drama) and it makes the whole thing a lot more disappointing. And I call it plot convenience. Sighs.

The characters are nothing much. They’re as cliché as you can get and don’t put your hopes too high on them. Like Kongou is your typical main character (his name is in the title, that should’ve hinted you). He is strong physically as well as in his sense of justice. Good for him because they’re going to tell us that cheaters never win. A clear conscious that you win no matter what if you play it fairly. Unfortunately this doesn’t apply in life although it is mostly for sports. Sorry, went off a bit there. Anyway, his other friends are also typical like Sasuke his rival, Habato the brains and genius and Yuka for some strong female character. Oh yeah. So typical. And of course we have the rivals who start off as jerks but as they compete and see the true strength shining in Kongou’s side, they too get overpowered by the light and the power of friendship. Because they aren’t bad people per se and just want to be acknowledged for their own strength. So be true to yourself and that is already half the battle won. And as for other competitors whom we don’t give a f*ck about, I am only thinking they are there as whipping boys because how the f*ck can anybody join this tournament that is all about strength?! Like those baseball groupie. Like, HOW?! Makes it look like these teams are cosplay people just being there for the numbers.

And ah yes, got to talk about Dark Muscle who is not only a one-dimensional villain but also a dumb ass. Firstly, the false advertising of announcing last minute that the games will now be death matches. Then as competitors circumvent them, why the f*ck does he not do something to make them die? So he just lets them live?! I thought he wanted to control the audience?! Instil fear by making these athletes die! Instead, he just watches the matches like a zombie. Yeah, perhaps he only cares about his own team. When his team defies him, what does he do? Nothing! Shouldn’t he take matters into his own hands? Or has he no other plan? Putting all your eggs… No wonder he fails. Definitely he is the one who rigged the matches so blatantly. It is his stadium after all. And to top it all off, he destroys it in the end! Ah damn, the best stadium that houses all these sports, crumbles into rubbles in the end. Unless he has deep pockets and unlimited resources to make another stadium in another part of the world, there goes his plans in controlling the audience. If this was in today’s era, nobody will give a f*ck about him and only his stupidity will go viral and rake in the views! There’s the attention he wanted so badly. If he was the last boss of the game, he would be easy to defeat! In the end, he is just one jealous has-been loser. Yeah, no wonder we all love winners.

The art and animation reek of the late 90’s and early 2000’s anime style and because the main characters are kids, they give off this feeling like they have been rejected to enter Beyblade tournaments or have no talent in catching Pokemon. That’s why they ended up in this series. HAHA! Definitely not the truth but it feels like that. With kids like them in an elite tournament that puts other adult teams to shame, this is definitely a show for kids, right? Yeah, when you have a bald kid wearing loincloth for the entirety of the episode, it makes me wonder. To complete the martial arts theme, his pals are a ninja, judo and karate girl. Team Dark Muscle is more varied with Randoru being some Rastafari dreadlocks, Jougi some rapper look, Pencil the cute ‘futuristic’ chick and that fatty Taziki with his, uhm, dumb looks. Whatever.

However I notice that the quality is not really up to mark and there are scenes where the animation just feel inconsistent, rendering the scene and characters to look weird at times. I mean, this OVA was done by Pierrot. A veteran anime studio who has brought us a lot of popular titles old and new like Naruto, Bleach, Black Clover, Tokyo Ghoul, GTO and Yuu Yuu Hakusho. How can they animate something this low quality? Oh well, not everything can be hits and sometimes you have your down days. Perhaps this obscure OVA was so obscure, they didn’t want to expend a lot of effort into it?

The opening theme is Girl by Belly To Belly (uhm, what?!). It’s a typical anime rock music that gets you into the grove of the pace of the series. But not to my liking. As for the ending theme, Tears also sung by Belly To Belly, it is more of a slow rock. Not really my cup of tea either. And I still can’t get over the Mortal Kombat techno theme spoof here. Yeah, that really raised my eyebrows for a second there. For the record, I caught Takehito Koyasu voicing Randoru and he sounds pretty basic and nowhere near his badass version. I didn’t recognize the rest although I did notice some veteran names like Rica Matsumoto (Kongou – she is also more famously known as Satoshi of Pokemon whom the rest of the world knows as Ash) and Takako Honda (Habato).

Overall, while this little series is enjoyable in its own right, I have to say it still fall short of my expectations because well, as you have guessed it, no deaths! Stupid antagonist lied about having each match being a death match! Okay, have to be fair that he didn’t say it was MANDATORY for losers to die so oh well… F*ck… I mean, it would be a waste for such competitors who have trained for years only for them to die in that short moment of defeat. Such a waste. As long as they are still alive, they can continue to keep challenging each other to greater heights. Yeah. Sighs. I guess I’ll have to accept that. So remember people, don’t do drugs or even cheat because like I’ve said somewhere in my blog long time ago: Cheaters don’t win, they just end up in first place! But unfortunately I have to say it again that this only applies mostly in sports and not in real life… Yeah, the strongest game I could ever do is make internet memes! If ever there’s such a sport for it!